Domestic Violence: Safety and Seeking Help

Get expert, personalized safety guidance from someone trained specifically in domestic violence situations.

Use as soon as you're able to reach out privately and safely.

1. 1.If it is safe to do so, call or text the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 from a device your partner does not monitor.
2. 2.If your device may be monitored, use a public library computer, a trusted friend's phone, or a shelter's computer instead.
3. 3.Before calling, think of a safe, private time and location where you won't be interrupted or overheard.
4. 4.Be ready to share only what feels safe to share - the advocate will guide the conversation and never pressure you toward a decision.
5. 5.Ask the advocate about local resources, including shelters, legal advocates, and support groups in your area.
6. 6.Keep any notes from the call somewhere your partner cannot access, or don't write them down at all if that's safer.

Reduce the risk that a partner discovers you are seeking help or planning to leave.

Use before researching resources or communicating about your situation on any shared or monitored device.

1. 1.Use a private or incognito browser window when researching domestic violence resources, and clear browser history afterward if using a shared device.
2. 2.Assume that any device your partner has access to - physically or through shared accounts - may not be private; use a public library, a trusted friend's device, or a shelter's computer for sensitive searches when possible.
3. 3.Do not store safety plans, hotline numbers, or exit plans as notes or photos on a shared or monitored device; write them down on paper you keep somewhere private, or keep them only in your memory.
4. 4.Turn off location sharing on apps your partner may have access to, if you can do so without raising suspicion, or use a separate device if available.
5. 5.If you believe you are being tracked through a phone or app, a domestic violence advocate can help you assess this safely - they have specific expertise in technology-facilitated abuse.
6. 6.Leave any webpage related to seeking help quickly using a keyboard shortcut you've practiced in advance, and know that many hotline websites have a 'quick exit' button for this reason.

Prepare concrete steps to increase physical safety, whether staying or preparing to leave.

Use with guidance from a domestic violence advocate whenever possible; use caution completing this alone if it isn't safe to write things down.

Begin processing the emotional impact of abuse in a structured, self-compassionate way.

Use once you are in a safer situation, ideally alongside a trauma-informed therapist.

Counter the self-doubt that abuse often creates about your own perceptions and decisions.

Use in the months after leaving or during ongoing therapeutic work.

Create a concrete, individualized plan for safety with the guidance of a trained domestic violence advocate.

Use as a priority step, ideally with support from the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) or a local advocate, regardless of whether you plan to leave.

Build awareness of the tension-building, incident, reconciliation, and calm cycle common in abusive relationships, to support informed decision-making.

Use to reflect privately, ideally alongside a domestic violence advocate or therapist.

Manage the physical toll of chronic fear and hypervigilance in the body during an unsafe or recently exited situation.

Use whenever fear, panic, or a racing heart feels overwhelming, in a private, safe moment.

Reduce the risk of being monitored or tracked through phones, accounts, or shared devices.

Use with guidance from a domestic violence advocate, since some changes to devices can alert a monitoring person - always check with an advocate before making changes if you sense monitoring.

Understand the confusing, intense attachment that can develop in abusive relationships, without judgment.

Use with a trauma-informed therapist experienced in domestic violence, as ongoing supportive work.

Gradually reconnect with people and resources after a period of isolation common in abusive relationships.

Use once safety planning is underway and reconnecting is assessed as safe by you and, ideally, an advocate.

See the shape of what is happening rather than only the last incident.

Use only where it is safe to write, or do it mentally and store nothing.

Remove obstacles in advance so that options exist when they are needed.

Use now, regardless of what you intend to do.

Build independent resources without announcing anything.

Use gradually over weeks.

Restore confidence in your own perception after chronic denial.

Use daily after leaving.

Limit continued control where contact cannot be ended.

Use where children or courts require ongoing contact.

You are considering calling a hotline or advocate but are unsure it's 'bad enough' to warrant help, or fear being judged.

A friend or family member expresses frustration or judgment about why you remain in the relationship.

You have decided leaving is the right step and are preparing, aware that the period around leaving carries increased risk.

Someone who cares about you expresses frustration that you are still in the relationship.

You receive a message that is mostly accusations with one logistical question buried in it.